The art of chosing everything
life as it is #8
I was raised with the belief that I can’t have everything I want, that I have to choose what I want most because I can only have this or that – never everything. This caused me a lot of pain and suffering. It sounds like an exaggeration, I know, but I always felt limited by these choices. Being forced to choose between one thing or another always made me anxious – what if I choose wrong? In the end, even when I made the “right choice”, I ended up depressed because I felt like something was missing… something that I left behind because I was taught that I can’t have everything in life.
Throughout my life, I was trained to choose just one toy, between a language course or a guitar lesson, my first computer or a trip to Disney, a movie ticket or a new book, that ring or that necklace, a profession, a place to live, this car or that car, a marriage until death do us part… What no one taught me is that I could choose everything. Maybe not everything at the same time, but one thing at a time was, indeed, possible.
Then, about four years ago, I stumbled upon a YouTube channel of a girl living in a van. I watched a few of her videos, but didn’t subscribe to the channel until one day a new video of hers popped up on my feed… she had bought a cabin in the middle of the woods. In her channel, I discovered that she had bought it almost a year ago and was remodeling the cabin with her own hands and no experience whatsoever. She learned according to her needs by watching videos on the “YouTube Academy” and asking questions when someone with experience helped her (sometimes even asking them to teach her while they were working). I had small renovations to do in my apartment and no money to pay someone to do the work, so I subscribed to her channel thinking “If she can do it, I can do it.” And so, I began following Hannah Lee Duggan’s journey.
Now, four years later, she still has the van and the cabin… but she also has a homestead, a Land Rover, a pickup truck, a Bronco, a motorcycle, an apartment in New York, she learned carpentry, rode a motorcycle, traveled the world, is about to became a certified private plane pilot, has a business and her new adventure is in the garden – she wants to have a vegetable garden and grow what she eats. The girl is, practically, the modern version of the Rose DeWitt Bukater Dawson that I dreamed of being since I watched Titanic for the first time.
As for me, inspired by Hannah, I learned to do some small repairs and renovations around the apartment on my own. I stay away from electricity because I'm afraid of it, and from plumbing because I would hate to accidentally flood my neighbor's apartment. Congratulations to me, with a pat on the back and everything!
Now… where do choices fit into this? Well, I followed closely (or as closely as the internet allows, according to what Hannah shares) every step of the life of this girl who lived in a van. And you know what I saw? I saw her choosing to have everything, do everything, be everything she wanted. First, she wanted to travel around in a van, then she wanted the cabin, then a better car to drive on snowy days… until she got to where she is now. And you know what I didn’t see? I didn’t see her leaving anything behind, choosing one thing or another. She did everything she wanted, one thing at a time. She has everything she wanted, buying one thing at a time. She is who she wants to be. And I want to be like her.
My childhood dream is to have a blue Jeep (if it’s a brand new Wrangler, I won’t complain, but my heart beats hard for a classic Willys from my grandmother’s time). It’s not a practical car to have in the city – and my mother doesn’t like it. If I didn’t have this need to please my mother, I probably would have already sent practicality to hell and bought my dream Jeep. But I can’t stand the idea of hearing my mother say “I told you it was a bad car” when the car needs some fixing – because it will, after all, it’s an old car. What I don’t take into account is another desire of mine: I’ve always wanted to learn about cars and how to fix them. And if I were a bit like Hannah, I would have learned that a long time ago.
It was this line of thinking – about the big blue of my dreams – that made me realize something that had been right there, staring me in the face, all along, throughout the four years that I’ve been following Hannah: I can have anything, do anything, be anything I want. All it takes is a little patience, some planning, and a big “Fuck it, I just want to be happy.”
So what if it goes wrong? What's the problem if I regret it? At least I did it, I learned, I experienced everything that awakened life in me.
My mother doesn't like jeeps and said I'll regret it, my godmother said old cars are ugly. I live with both because, at the moment, I have to. But I have plans... a house outside the city and my blue jeep, just to start. And I have a neighbor – a nice man in his 70s or 80s – who loves trucks and jeeps, and he told me I have good taste and won't regret it – and that, if I want, he'll help me choose the right jeep. Blessed be!
I also have plans to learn to ride a horse, have a house on the beach, learn to freedive, learn to play the guitar, visit all the places on my list, have my own publishing company, open an animal sanctuary... I definitely want to do more and watch less. And I want to live each day according to my dreams and desires, without the fear of being happy.
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