I have no idea how many times “What if...?” has crossed my mind over the years. For a long time, the vast majority of them ended with something like “...it goes to shit?”. Conceiving catastrophic scenarios has always been a bad habit of mine, especially when I think about my dreams and plans for the future. The fear of ending up frustrated or making an idiot of myself paralyzed me in the face of countless opportunities. And the worst part was that this fear made me enter my “darkest night of the soul” era.
At 24 years old, I had already given up on all my dreams. At that age, I was already resigned to going back to college, graduating, getting a regular job, and whatever God’s plan for me, amen.
The saddest thing is that I didn’t even try, really, to have the life that made my heart beat faster. Before I started taking my dreams seriously, I stopped myself because I was afraid of being alone. Then I stopped because I was afraid of being frustrated after being bombarded with negative comments about how screwed people are when they try to live outside of society's standards and expectations. I didn't want to work hard, I didn't want to suffer, and I was terrified of proving that I wasn't as good as I thought I could be. I was terrified that turning my dreams into reality was just something that would happen only in my mind, in my beautiful and fertile imagination. It was easier to stay where I was, comfortably and following the recipe that had been in my family for generations, than to run the risk of trying and seeing everything go wrong.
For a long time, I believed that my most paralyzing "What if...?" was the fear of not pleasing others. It was an overwhelming fear and was accompanied by a feeling of panic. So, afraid of not pleasing others, I kept my dreams to myself for years, because I was afraid of being alone. But the truth is that I was terrified of the shame I would feel if my plans didn't come true. Just imagining the humiliation of hearing “I told you so” from people that I love made me give up and sit quietly in the place I should never have dared to leave.
What never occurred to me was that staying where I was would – in no way – take me anywhere else, much less where I wanted to go. What also didn’t occur to me was that I had nothing to lose by wanting the best for myself. And most importantly, it never occurred to me that everything could work out.
Then something happened when I hit my 30s… Something magical. A sort of awakening, I guess. And I started to believe in myself. I became braver, bolder, and a little stubborn, refusing to accept crumbs or a less–than–extraordinary life.
It wasn’t an easy transformation, and to this day, I still struggle with the bad habits developed over years of behaving like a social chameleon, trying to fit my square screw into the round hole of society and the environment in which I was born and raised. But I’m moving forward, one day at a time. And if you’re going through something similar, and if I can help in any way with my words, here’s what I have to say:
Sometimes it’s going to be lonely. Sometimes it will seem like craziness. Sometimes people will call you crazy. Sometimes there will be doubt. And sometimes there will be fear. But that doesn't mean it will be hard or that you made the wrong choice. It just means you are walking an unknown path, learning to navigate on your own, and exploring a new world full of possibilities.
There are some rules for those who decide to follow their own path, and you are the one who makes them all. It’s not your parents, your friends, or the person you share your life with, not even the limitations imposed by the environment you currently find yourself in. It’s all about getting out of your comfort zone. Taking the first step is the hardest part and requires a lot of courage. The rest ends up coming naturally later. But, during the process, it’s important to remember to stay persistent, perhaps even stubborn.
When the classic question “What am I doing with my life?” appears, it’s the first sign that something needs to be changed in your routine. Cliché, I know, but it’s true. Don’t be afraid to ask yourself questions, and don’t be afraid to find the answer. After all, the only one who knows what’s best for you is you. Don’t be afraid to change. Change is part of our evolutionary process. And when you are light years ahead of the life you have now, allow yourself to be amazed at how far you have come in such a short time just because you believed in your dream, your potential, and most importantly, in yourself.
Don't worry... No one will disappear from your life in the process. Quite the opposite. Everyone, most likely, will remain exactly in the same place. It is you who will disappear from the map, explore distant lands, and set off on your personal hero's journey. Don't blame life when this happens. Instead, work hand in hand with it. Don't live the life that others want you to live, everyone has a different perception of what reality is. Don't worry too much about others, everyone is responsible for their own life and their choices. Don't make less of yourself for others, that's not fair to you – and don't demand the same from the people around you either because it's not fair to them. Accept that it is part of the process, when we move on, to leave some things and people behind, no matter how painful it is.
If you decide to change your life and follow your path, I promise you three things will happen:
Only those who walk side by side with you will remain in your life
You will expand your circle of friends and, finally, will find “your tribe” (even if that group is scattered around the world)
All your dreams will come true, one way or another.
What you will need on this journey, which is sometimes frightening, I confess, is to have unshakable faith that absolutely everything you want, in fact, already belongs to you.
Live with this certainty every day and, I guarantee, you will begin to notice small daily miracles. Then, one day, you will be living your own fairy tale.
Believe in yourself. Believe in your dreams. And live like “What if everything is possible?”.
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I lived with a soup of what if and the end of my brush as guide along my meant to be path...now I'm old and sick my brush, my pen and I live to live...