I was afraid to be alone
life as it is #1
My biggest fear has always been dying alone, being alone, being single. Loneliness in general has always terrified me. I was terrified of ending my days without friends, without a family, and without the love of my life by my side.
Bullshit.
If I could talk with my past self, I would tell her not to be afraid because we are each other's best company: we like the same movies, we find the same stupid jokes funny, we like the same music, we want to see the same places around the world, we like the same type of food, we share the same faith and, best of all, we enjoy the same freedom of mind, body, and spirit. This would have saved me from unnecessary situations when I was younger.
For example, I would have avoided the embarrassment of ending up in the middle of the dance floor with a guy to dance pagoda (a musical style I don't particularly enjoy), proving what a fraud I am as a Brazilian woman for not sharing the same abilities for samba as most of my compatriots. After the first spin - where my feet ended up there where my head should be - when I returned to the Homo sapiens position, I said to my partner “I told you I didn’t know how to dance and this is how you treat me?”
I turned my back and returned to my favorite place that night (the strategically placed stool in front of the bar) thinking, “I don’t need this.”
I really didn’t need it, but I insisted on going with my friends who knew how to samba to this kind of party because they were my only friends. I loved them and wanted to please them. Back then, my biggest flaw was always worrying more about pleasing others than myself. I always put other people’s needs first. All of this out of fear of being alone.
I don’t know when in my life this fear took over, but it wasn’t always like this. When I was a kid, I would spend hours playing alone, and I even preferred it that way because I could play with whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and however I wanted, without anyone interfering in the story I was making up for my dolls or myself. I had no problem being my only company.
I think this fear began when I suffered my first romantic rejection. You know?! My first teenage love. I was crazy about this guy for about three years, he knew it and didn't care. He was a “fish or cut bait” kind of guy, I think. It was a complicated start in my emotional life.
The whole point is that while I was putting myself in the position of a victim, of a poor thing, I always believed that I had some problem and that was why I would end up alone. Perhaps this triggered a panic of loneliness within me, making me act submissively concerning external events. The fear of being alone made me abandon the person I really was. I wanted to please, to be loved, and to be part of something, of some group, and for years I was a social chameleon, transforming myself into everything to everyone. This influenced my choices, my habits, my hobbies, the way I dressed, how I behaved, and how I spoke. All to impress the people around me and be accepted by them, be one of them.
I went with the flow because I believed this was how it had to be and that I had no other option. I felt depressed for years because my mind was conflicted with my heart - which always knew that the truth was different... That it was possible to follow my own path by pleasing the person who mattered the most to me: myself.
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