Over the course of my 40+ years, I've seen and experienced every type of relationship (except the relationship of my dreams), and I've always wondered what the secret to a lasting relationship is, since many relationships end even when there's still love between the couple. And in a moment of "this isn't for me", I figured out. I think.
I was chatting about it with two girlfriends when one of them said to me that I should stop being picky and that the important thing was to find someone who is good to me, otherwise I'd end up alone (in short).
I don't know exactly what this comment triggered in me, but in a sudden outburst, I looked at my friend and said, "That doesn't work for me. I've tried. No matter how wonderful the guy is or how in love we are, my relationships always end when our differences come knocking on the door. And I'm tired of putting myself aside just to have someone by my side. It makes me unhappy. And I also don't want anyone putting themselves aside to be with me. For a relationship to work, both have to look at the same horizon."
As soon as I said the last sentence and shut up, there was a minute of silence. It seemed like we were absorbing the information and applying my insight to our previous relationships and confirming that, yes, this logic makes sense.
I don't know if this is the secret, but I feel comfortable saying that it's a great formula, and I would bet all my money on it. After all, when a couple who love each other have the same goals and look in the same direction, the road ahead will be a walk in the park – even on the most difficult days, because they will walk hand in hand, side by side. (Or maybe it's just the hopeless romantic in me daydreaming about it.)
When we are in love, it is normal to feel the need to be with that person full time – to live them, breathe them, make them the center of our universe. The problem is when we put our own lives aside. And by "life" I’m talking about our plans and dreams – the ones we had before that special someone crossed our path; the ones we put in the drawer because they are incompatible with the relationship; the ones we put aside because the other person's plans and dreams become a kind of priority or seem more important than ours.
When there is love, partnership, loyalty, respect, friendship, passion and everything that characterizes a great relationship, it is already halfway to making it work. But I believe that in order to achieve the status of "happily ever after", the couple needs to be moving in the same direction. Otherwise, two things are very likely to happen: 1- unnecessary fights will occur that will end up wearing down the relationship; 2- one of the parties will give up on themselves to follow the other wherever they go. Either way, in both cases, in the long run, this can turn into hurt and resentment.
I understand that some changes need to be made when we stop being singular and enter into a plural life. And of course, nothing prevents someone from continuing in this type of relationship for the rest of their life without any major problems. But I bet that in the vast majority of cases, they will stay together with their partner out of pure convenience. And, for me, that doesn't work.
But the truth is that I am a single woman, mother of four cats, and a collector of frustrated relationships. So, what do I know about happy relationships and how to make things work?
What I do know is that my experience has taught me that the cliché "better alone than in bad company" can be a better alternative in these cases. That way, at least, there is a chance of finding someone who wants the same things, who has the same goals, who yearns for the same desires as me. If it is already beautiful to live with someone you love and who loves you back, imagine doing it with someone who shares the same dreams...
I have walked many roads following other people's dreams, now I want to follow my own path. And if by chance I fall in love with someone who is walking the same road... that is my ideal of happiness. That is my ideal relationship.
Wish me luck!
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